Change!

I don't know about you, but I'm not a big fan of change ... unless it is floating around at the bottom of my purse when I NEED a Diet Coke.  Jokes aside, I tend to stick to my routine, I like structure, I like rhythm, I like my schedules and my lists, I like stability.  I think when one grows up with an alcoholic parent, in a home where there is a lot of love but also a lot of fighting and tension, they either go in that same direction or they go in the opposite direction and do their very best to create tranquility and keep that boat from rocking.  That's me.  I'm also not a big fan of drama and I tend to avoid conflict ... I was the peacekeeper in my family, the one that wanted everyone to be happy and struggled to present an image of normalcy to the outside world.  As a child, I wanted desperately to fit it.  What I didn't know then, what I know now is that NOBODY is normal.  All families have some level of drama or dysfunction ... and the ones that seem perfect on the outside tend to be the most screwed up on the inside.

I recently read an article about Facebook and some of the negative effects of this Facebook, Twitter and Blogging culture that we find ourselves in today.  We are all guilty of it ... me too ... those status updates and pictures designed to show the world that we are living wonderful lives.  Reconnection is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but we are starting to see a bit of a negative backlash from all the window-dressing.  If one is feeling isolated and lonely, the last thing they need is to log on to Facebook and see all their Friends yukking it up at bars and parties.  If one is struggling with infertility, it can be painful to see the constant barrage of pregnancy and birth announcements.  If one is going through a painful divorce, shots of engagements rings and honeymooners can really twist that knife.  Obviously nobody intends to hurt others and everyone certainly has their right to express themselves and share their joys ... but it is having an effect, that's my point.

So what do those two things (change and social media) have to do with the price of tea in China?  I guess I mention them because I had an emotional meltdown followed by a break-through over the past weekend.  I have indicated, in the last several months, that I've been blue or in a funk or maybe even depressed.  It has been hard to describe and even harder to deal with.  I'm no stranger to pain, sorrow and loss.  My dad passed away suddenly and shockingly when I was 18 years old.  My husband and I struggled with infertility for years (I've been pregnant 5 times and have 1 kiddo, you do the math).  Two years ago, I lost my mom and it has been rough to say the least.  However, this black cloud that has hung over me for about 6 months now, has been different.  It has been intermittent and varied in intensity and I even thought I was past it for a while.  Last Friday morning I woke up at 5:00 am ... I had the day off and planned to skip my 5:30 am workout because I desperately needed a good night's sleep ... so there I was wide awake at 5:00 am and I was pissed-off.  I decided to go for a walk in the early morning sunlight and maybe clear my mind.  The evening before had been rough and I had a lot on my mind.  As I was walking and thinking, I hit my wall and wound up barely keeping it together until I got back to my house where I proceeded to lose it.  We're talking the sobbing, heaving, can barely breathe and can't talk crying jag.  Poor Hubby!  Can you imagine your spouse returns from a 30 minute walk at 6:00 am bawling uncontrollably?  Yowzers.  Sounds terrible, but you know what ... I needed it.  I really thought that I was "better" and I realized that I wasn't, not really.  I won't go into the details here but I will say that it made me see that I need to make some changes ... no matter how painful and how inconvenient they might be.  And those changes are about me, not anyone else.  So, I'm working on it.  I started by going out with some friends Friday night.  I changed my expectations of that night, of those friends, and it was great ... I needed it.  More work to come ...

I also read another great book, a story of four sisters who lose their mother to cancer, and their struggles in the months following her death.  Each sister has a unique experience and a different set of changes to make and I found a little something to identify with in all of them.  This was a random pick for me, but I will definitely read more by Elizabeth Noble ...